On Other People.

I forget that people actually engage in relationships beyond what I am familiar with. It seems like something people take for granted; that I take for granted. This is the problem with spending so much of one’s time in solitude – you only see a small portion of the human experience, and sometimes it can blind you like a bug in a cup. Sometimes it can hit you full force before you have a chance to ready yourself; it can strike out of nowhere, a sudden reminder, and you are sent reeling to the earth gasping for air.

I forget occasionally that my experience is atypical. I have no close relations; platonic or otherwise. Do I wish I had any? I cannot answer that much like a colorblind child cannot truly desire color – what she desires is to conform and to belong, not color. In the same way sometimes I look at people in their loving, compassionate families or couples walking hand in hand and I feel a tug of curiosity.

A tug of puzzlement, and it knocks the wind out of me. It strikes me suddenly, painfully, this curiosity – this realization that I am not the common experience. That everyone around me throws around their platitudes and endearments as I do, but they mean it. They mean it in a way I may never understand.

I do believe part of it is fear. I am scared. There is little I genuinely fear in this comprehensible universe, and of the few things I do fear one of them is the unknown. It is a primitive reaction – the caveman who is conditioned to fear the dark and of being in a situation for which he lacks sufficient knowledge or preparation.

In a critical sense I have never been a child, but this is a primitive, childish fear that I identify. I fear to enter the world of the common experience, I fear becoming ensnared in such complex intimate relations, I fear that one day I may longer be able to view the universe in this detached, objective manner that I am capable of now. I fear that one day I will find myself in such a relation, and that I would lose my identity, my focus, my quest for truth.

I am a scientist, above all else. A scientist of human understanding. It is the only thing I have ever had, and I will fight to maintain this objectivity to my dying breath because if I lose this last shred of detachment – the only thing that I truly own – then I will be left with nothing.

If ever I am in such a state of profound intellectual grief, there will be embarked upon a legacy of parallel destruction. It would be the point of no return.

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One response to “On Other People.

  1. Being of similar personality type, I can identify very closely with your writings. However, as time goes by, I think the realization will come that human beings are meant to be social beings, and that human relationships are at the core of our existence. The solitude that we seek will never leave us, but even in the midst of it we can learn to love and be loved. And the quest for truth can continue.

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